Have you ever watched TV’s The Biggest Loser? I will admit, that until this season, I’ve only ever watched an episode here and there. Mostly because I couldn’t handle it.
Why, you may ask? Well, it’s people being brutally honest about themselves, their bodies, their lifestyle, and the choices they make that have them end up on the show. I was no where near ready to be honest enough to even watch it.
I used excuses like “I could never be one of those girls because of what they make them wear” Honestly, the reason they wear those “skimpy” outfits is not for fun, but for more brutal honesty. You can’t get more obvious than the outfits they wear as to what their bodies really do look like.
But I get ahead of myself. The title of this post is Admission and admission you will get.
I am overweight. Not by a little… but by a lot.
Now don’t go gettin’ all sarcastic on me. I’m not being silly. I’m being real here. Honest, brutally honest.
I could never handle watching The Biggest Loser because I could never be brought to the admission that I should be on that show. This season all of the women, yes all, at the beginning of the season were still smaller than I am now. Yep, it’s true.
I am an emotional eater. I eat for all emotions, and I do mean ALL. This last year has me up almost thirty pounds since my wedding. In case you missed that… I said 30.
Some of you tender-hearts might be thinking “well of course! It was a hard year, you’ll get it off and be ok.” And I would love you for it, but truth is… 30 pounds is killer for me. I think in terms of literal when I say that. You see… at my wedding I was already 246 pounds.
I stand 5’3″ at 271 pounds (I’ve taken a couple pounds off ) and if you have watched the show all the numbers they gave to those women… must certainly be abundantly worse for me. And I start to panic.
Will I live to see my youngest, now 2, reach 30? Or even 20 for that matter? Will I get to experience life to the longest I can? The answer comes back as a resounding: NO! Family history has taught me that much.
If you were to be a fly on the wall of our home you would see me on my butt for the majority of the time. Playing on the computer, reading, watching tv or something while sitting down. And when my kids ask for something they never get it immediately, I have to build up the energy to go get them something. I have become so stagnant that it’s amazing my house stays in any kind of order at all.
I’m telling you all this, not because I love beating myself up… but because I know I need to do something about this body and lifestyle that I am in, and if I do not confess my idleness/ laziness, I will never change. I need to move, to play, to clean, to have this body in motion. And I need to eat less.
I need to be held accountable…
I told the world in 2009 that I would never be in this position again.. and here I am, even heavier than I was when I started then. It’s really kinda pathetic. Sad and pathetic.
It’s not that I want to be a skinny model (I will never be one of those) or that I am doing it for looks at all. Really, all I want is to have energy to play with my kids. To have fun in the great outdoors and not be totally exhausted when I finish. I want to live to see my kids graduate college, get married, and have my grandbabies (If God so wills any of those for them.) And I want to celebrate as many anniversaries as possible. I want to be there for my kids and husband as much as I can be.
If I cannot change my body, my lifestyle and my habits… I will most certainly fall into the Smith health issues. And I cannot accept that as okay. I know it will not change everything… but losing weight will change my health.
This week I have been haunted by these thoughts. So as a result I have made some changes, aka my house is cleaner, my kids get things faster and I’ve been playing a lot more. Bonus, the menu has changed too. Family is not quite sure what to do with all this 😉
My friends… I need this. I also need you. I’m planning on keeping you up to date on this journey… the same journey that I’ve been on soooo many times before. I want this to be the last time, because I actually make it this time.
Will you pray for me, and for my family as I move forward?