Anders, a sweet, lovable, handsome boy. With a future only God can tell. I love him.
It is because I love him, that I have let him go.
I don’t know how many people I have judged, and harshly, for saying those very same words. But here I am broken, crying, and knowing that it truly is because I love him, that I have let him go.
Many weeks ago, months now, my aunt approached me with the thought/ plan of action that finally brought peace to my heart. It was one that I believe (with all my heart) was born in God’s own heart.
I have cried, prayed, cried, and prayed some more that God would give us direction, answers and peace in regards to Anders. This sweet boy who deserved answers. He didn’t want me. He was angry here, he was hurt here. There was no place for healing here. But if here wasn’t where he belonged, and if I couldn’t be the one to help him embrace healing and peace, then who was? I have been on this road of questioning for longer than I care to admit. I have been at the throne of the Almighty Father with begging and tears more than I can transcribe. And it wasn’t until January that the answer came.
My cousin and her husband. Fabulous people. God fearing and God listening people. People who I trust. Who I admire. Whom I would place my life (yes I’m serious) because of their love of God. Have stepped into the role of Anders’ parents.
It’s a long story, but I guess there is no better time to tell it… if you will but bear with me…
I told you about our last year of struggle (and more if truth be told) and I told you how God opened the door for my aunt to take him for a break. She kept him, fell more in love with him. And I through bittersweet tears saw him change. He was no longer angry all the time. He grew like a rocket and was funny and smart and happy. I ended up seeing a version of Anders that I had never seen. One that I wished I could have in my home. But the bitter came when both he and I realized it was because he wasn’t in my home.
He and I never were able to connect. Not in a way that a mother and son should. I wanted to, but he knew all my buttons, and quite frankly they are too easily pushed. And though I loved him… it was not enough.
In December it was brought to the forefront that maybe he would never come home… maybe that he would be adopted by someone else. This was a big source of wrestling for me. I had to fight pride, and selfishness, and anger.
Pride because I was never supposed to be in this situation, look at how many people I had judged for being in this very spot!
Selfishness because I loved him. I wanted him to be in this home. I wanted to be the one he ran to for hope and healing and everything he deserves.
Anger because this was apparently all part of God’s plan and I didn’t like it.
Christmas was the most bitter tasting of any holiday I’ve ever lived through… because I knew it would never be the same again.
Once it came to a point… a very ugly and emotional and hard point. I finally let go. Saying “God if this is really your plan, then would you please make the next step so obvious that all involved see your hand and I can let go in peace of this boy I love so much.”
Apparently, while I was dealing with all this emotional stuff, my cousin and her husband (I am going to give them fake names for now) we shall call them Hope and Peace ;), got to spend a lot of time with Anders. Various situations where Anders even got to go to their house that they are building and play. They were falling in love, and were taken aback at the desire for him. So they started praying.
Knowing that there were a lot of issues and knowing further that he was never going to come back to my home, they were drawn in. So that January day, out of nowhere, it was brought to my attention that Anders had found a couple who loved him, and desired to be his parents. Parents that could be the answer for hope, healing, peace and joy in his life.
As soon as I heard the request, I felt the presence of God and his hand of peace in my heart, and I promise, flowing from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. I felt the ability to let go… for the very first time.
It has not come without more tears and more bittersweet feelings. But it has come with God’s hand all over it. All the details (which are not all my story to tell) prove over and over God’s presence.
Anders is home.
Though this is not the end I thought would come. And though I still feel a failure… I feel God’s peace too. Sometimes it takes being a failure to see God’s glory shine the best.