Pre-teen Boys

This is like opening a can of worms… but I’m going to do it anyway.

Preteen boys are exasperating! They eat. They drink. And they think the world revolves around them. Oh, and they know everything, and I do mean everything! When proven wrong they are still convinced they are right. When the cycle is complete they eat again and then some more later.

Now don’t get me wrong, these boys can also have moments of being SUPER helpful and kind. They have hiccups in their routine where they might actually care and want to entertain and be with the younger “annoying little siblings”, but overall, if given the choice… all about them, all the time.

I only exist for 3 reasons.

1. To rid them of said annoyances.

2. To feed them- this is of greatest importance

3. To entertain them, when their preferred method of entertainment has been removed. AKA- I told them to turn off whatever device they have stared at for the last 3 hours unblinkingly. (It’s kinda creepy really)

I kinda like existing… but I would rather exist for reasons like

1. “Mom, you are so awesome, I just want to hang with you”

2. “Mom, can I help you with making the food that I’m going to consume like a flock of sheep on fresh grass?”

3. “Mom, thank you for giving me built in playmates, how can I play with them better?”

HA! I know, it’s a joke. It’s NEVER going to happen, but my mind often wonders how life would be different if we didn’t have these wonderful, horrid things called computers and video game systems?

I will admit to spending way too much time staring at the screen sometimes. Grocery lists, menu ideas, cleaning tips, shopping for clothes- since they never seem to fit the same clothes 3 weeks in a row, you know… mom stuff. And if I were honest a few games that have captured my addictive pattern… darn Candy Crush Saga!

But I have to get up and feed them, clean the house around them, and occasionally play with little peoples. Then feed them again! (School will be a nice break from all the feeding them 🙂 )

I have chores set up for them, and requirements of reading but I still want to toss those stupid devises out the window!

How do you convince a child that the world around them is so much bigger than themselves? That discovering and playing in the woods and with the dog will have lasting memories whereas the computer will be only a glitch in the radar? Memories built with family last, but with a devise will  disappear.

I miss the boys that wanted to play with kids and hang out outside and go places with the family. Yeah, they would rather stay home and play on the darn devises than go to the zoo with the family. If only their mean, horrible mom (and dad) would let them! I mean, I’m so nasty! I make them go to the beach, to picnics, family vacations and random outings with no devises! Can you believe it?!

I’ve been warned that this stage is only the beginning of headaches and heartbreak. Why is growing up so painful… for the parent?! Oh yeah, and for them too… 😛

Advertisements

Many thoughts… and convictions

I don’t really know where to begin.

I’ve said from the beginning that I would be honest about my thought processing on this blog, and that it would not always be pleasant and happy. And I have hinted about the difficulty of the last year. Lots of things made this year difficult… but one thing was probably the biggest reason. My heart.

I’ve had multiple conversations over the last couple of weeks, all of them focused on one thing: what would this last year had been like if I had just stayed close to the Master? I’m guessing a LOT different.  I’ve been filled with guilt over Anders. I have been filled with anxiety and anger and more anger and more, all focused on myself and wondering if I could have done more, if I could have changed things, if I could have been the mother he needed.  And now that I’m pregnant… well, you can imagine the thoughts, nightmares and overall doubt filling my mind on my ability as a mother.

I was so angry at God. So incredibly angry. It’s become a pattern of anger. Something goes wrong… I get angry. Kids do something bad, anger flashes like lightning and I’m instantly regretful and angry at myself. This anger has become a crutch and sin that I need to confess and lay down.

The anger at God was because I couldn’t change things. I couldn’t make life better for my family, and He certainly didn’t seem to be helping (of course that requires me turning to him for help, but anger wouldn’t let me.) I had obeyed everything that He told me to do up until that point, foster care, adoption, marriage, that I couldn’t understand why I was in this place of punishment… or at least what felt like punishment. Everything up to this point felt like failure and obeying and consulting with God was setting myself up for more pain. So instead I’d just get angry and not seek Him at all.

Upon serious, devastatingly honest conversations with God and a few trusted people, I do not believe that the outcome would be different. I believe with all my heart Anders is where he needs to be, where God wants him to be, but I still struggle with guilt over how he got there and my heart attitude in the process. I’m not sure that I can ever be happy or even properly resigned to the results.  But I have to surrender those thoughts, those things that the enemy uses to destroy my hope, and trust in Jesus.

I have mentioned this church that we are attending and I have to tell you, it’s like God is using this little place to waken a very dry and hungry part of my heart. I feel like I have come alive again. I see truth as help, not as an enemy. I see God’s word as making me new, not as a destruction tool.  If you are reading this and have known me for years… I had allowed myself to get to the darkest and hardest place I had ever gotten in my life.  I think I was actually unrecognizable in my heart.

Last nights sermon (yes, I went to church on a Sunday NIGHT) was on Col. 3.  “Putting off all anger, wrath, … etc” that verse was like a knife and a 2 x 4 across my head. These things aren’t character flaws, they are sin. To continue in them is sin. To allow them to dictate my heart and minds response to life is sin. They must be stopped.

This post is very personal. Very difficult for this people pleasing woman to admit her deepest flaws and lay them out there. But I feel like it’s a step onto the right path for becoming the woman of God that I am meant to be. To becoming the mother that I am meant to be. To becoming the servant I am meant to be.

If you love me, please pray for me. Laying down anger is hard. Laying down a sin that has become default response is even harder.  I have to do this.  By God’s grace, mercy and continuous love I will conquer (Romans 8:37) and be made more like Him.

Pregnancy

I haven’t written a whole lot lately… and it’s kinda on purpose. While it’s not quiet or boring at our house, and I’ve definitely have a ton of things floating around in my head and heart… the ability to properly put things together in a coherent and complete thought has been a bit of a challenge.

The other day I was just trying to tell Philip that I got some sun on my face and it took me like 4 tries to say it without sounding like a first grader trying to describe the feel of jello.  (completely silly) And by the way, that was not an exaggeration.

Some updates though, I think are needed.

1. Since my last post on the gallbladder: About the first of July the pain suddenly stopped. No explanation, no change, not one thing to account for it… but the pain stopped and hasn’t come back.  While one part of my brain wants to demand understanding, the entire rest of me is just thanking Jesus. Because trust me…. I didn’t want surgery, nor could I handle that pain for too much longer.

2. I am 21 weeks and 2 days today. I look really pregnant and I feel as round as a beach ball. Has there ever been a woman to truly feel beautiful in this process? While I appreciate the growing another human aspect… there is a part of me that does not enjoy watching that scale go up even a pound.

3. We have found a church that I really like. It’s small. It’s Baptist (something that I didn’t think I would ever do again). And did I mention small? But it’s looking more and more like it’s going to be a good fit for us. The pastor is young. And yes, I get to say that, because he is younger than me! However, he seems to have an amazing heart for the Lord and for the people of his church. Tonight he arrived at our door unexpectedly and told me that he can’t stand not following up with people and serving them where they are… I have to tell you, beyond the things that I’ve already come to appreciate, that was an amazing thing to hear.

4. We have a puppy. If you follow me on Facebook you already know that… and know that she’s adorable and her name is Pepper. When I named her that it was because she looked like she rolled in pepper… well, it’s come to represent her personality pretty darn well too. She’s a pug.  She’s a pain in the tuchas.

5. We have the major doc visit/ ultrasound on Monday. I’m pretty stoked. We were given one test result that told us the sex of the baby… but I want full confirmation by US before I announce the gender to the world.

6. Beyond the discomfort of pregnancy,  I have felt the baby move a TON! So far that is the only thing about being pregnant I like… But it is totally awe-inspiring. I love learning how the baby is growing and then feeling it.  Watch this clip for awe-inspiring love for God’s complicated and beautiful creation of man in the womb. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=621996604481373

Please don’t get me wrong… I am excited about this little wonder!  (BTW, the baby is moving during the entire time I have been writing about it 🙂 )

Life in general is complicated (Baby is stealing my memory and brain) it is beautiful (kids are having such a good summer) it is normal (there is still screaming, fighting and goofing off of everyday life.) Life is good.

Praise Jesus!