Surgery is Scary Stuff

I knew from the beginning of our relationship that a cleft lip and palate were high in the probability rate. Philip told me early on that for him and his children that it was 50/50 they would have them.

So when I came up pregnant, I knew our chances were high. When I found out that she did have it, I allowed myself one really good cry, but it was for the loss of being able to breastfeed; not the appearance of my baby.

Yesterday, we talked to the hospital and set up all the final details for her surgery. When she has to stop eating (12 midnight- It’s going to be a long night before the surgery) and when we need to be there (6am, yikes!) and reminded that the surgery can take up to 3 hours.

3 HOURS! My baby will be under the knife for 3 HOURS!!!

Yes, the statistics are such that this should be a “no big deal” kind of thing.

I was in the background when my cousins baby went to this same doctor and had a major surgery and I thought, well it’s common and he’s got this. I’ll pray, but I know that he’s going to be fine…

Now I’m sitting in their seat and beating myself up. I DO NOT CARE IF IT’S COMMON… MY BABY HAS TO HAVE SURGERY AT 6 MONTHS OF AGE!!!

I’m so sorry I can’t seem to put myself in other people’s shoes very well. Because now that I’m in them, they sure are uncomfortable and very scary.

I’ve been playing it cool… saying that the doctor has to do over 200 of these a year (1 in 700 Caucasians are born with cleft lip and palate) I’ve also seen his work and he is phenomenal. But… this momma’s heart is still slightly on the freak out edge. Just slightly.

Some of you know me well enough to know that it’s like a dual personality thing. One minute I’m quoting stats and looking at results, listening to the Doc and going “sure, no big thing.” And the next minute, I’m hiding in a corner and crying over the fact my baby has to go through this.

So I’m begging you. If you have any ability to sympathize with this crazy mom… would you please pray with me for this thing on Friday? Doc says she has an 80% chance of coming home (outpatient) but she is tiny enough that they think there is still that 20% chance she will have to stay overnight because of theĀ anesthesia.

Please pray for peace for me, and everyone else… for steady hands for Dr. Mann, and for baby girl that she would be a star patient and recover quickly and easily. Oh, and please pray that she continues to stay healthy. For they won’t operate on a sick little baby.

Thank you friends…

Autumn (before surgery) hanging with big brother, who thought she should be a fireman :)

Autumn (before surgery) hanging with big brother, who thought she should be a fireman šŸ™‚

Admission (Part 2)

Last year in March (right before I found I was pregnant) I posted an AdmissionĀ about my weight, lifestyle and desire to change.

Well, seeing as it’s the middle Ā of the following year and baby is born. I am right back where I started. Only this time, it also comes with a startling revelation.

To explain, I need to give you a little back-story. In March of 2009 I essentially lost my dad. His body remains with us, but the quick whit, sharp mind, strong faith father left us. I was 31. I wasn’t young, and I wasn’t dependant on him anymore. He was 54. (I promise there is a point here.)

I just gave birth to a beautiful and amazing little girl that will be 19 when I am 54. Just beginning her life as an adult and finally deciding that her mom is needed and if I follow my father’s footsteps… well, I won’t be available to her or any of my children. It terrifies me that my children will be mourning their mother, because she didn’t take care of herself and feeling the way that I do about my father.

Yesterday I got on the scale. I am now the heaviest that I have ever been in my entire life. My body is stretched out, filled out and scarily heavy. I have talked about this over, and over, and over again. No one believes me. I’m not sure if I even believe me. But I am serious about this. I want my choices to allow me the best chances to be there for my children… and prayerfully even my grandchildren.

I will disclose the weight… and I will beg your prayers, support and even the nagging questions that are sure to come. I want to do this more than I ever have before. I want to remake my life and my body.

Today I weigh 284 lbs. and wear size 22/24 clothes on the bottom and size 18/20 on top. I’m embarrassed to even write that sentence.

By this time next year, I want to be at least 80 lbs lighter. I’d like to aim higher, but I don’t want to set myself up for failure. As I’m sure to come against that anyway.

So people here we sit… I am on the edge of a big… make that huge change and I need to do this more than ever. Please pray for me. I need it.

Here I go, into the wild world of change.