I Feel Good

So again, it’s been a while since my last post. I really should get better about such things….

My surgery was on October 21, 2014 at 11:30AM. Going into surgery process I weighed 288lbs. Today I am at 242lbs. and counting.

For two weeks before surgery I was put on a restrictive diet that I complained about (meat and veggies only) then I went to an all liquid diet that made me wish for that meat and veggies. I was literally crying some days for the hate of liquid protein shakes. It was seriously hard to stay legit throughout that time period.

Then came the smooth/soft food period, which lasted for four weeks. Grateful to be out of the liquid but still longing for the real stuff… especially during that time of the woman that makes me crave red meat. Also during this whole process (from 2 days before til now) I have been exiled from my beloved coffee and other caffeinated drinks. Some will never return, such as pop of any kind or any other carbonated beverage. But today I had my first cup of joe and it was spectacular!

Yesterday, I saw my doctor and was given a great report. Apparently, my weight loss is fabulous and they are super happy with my progress. I was nervous because I thought it was going slow… I guess I’m just impatient! Go figure.

There is still a major war going on within me. A psychological one. A battle of my mind with food. Literally split between happy and anger.

I’m happy that I’m getting the results I signed up for… the ones for which I was hoping. I’m thrilled that the doc says my progress in on chart and my future looks good for the overall results I crave. And yet I’m angry with food. I miss being able to eat. Yes, I can eat food… but it’s such a small portion that my 13month old child eats more than I do in a sitting.

My family thinks in some ways it’s funny, but on the inside, I’m angry. I used to love to sit down to dinner with the family and enjoy my meal… but how do you enjoy 4 bites?

I want a big fat juicy hamburger (a craving that I’ve had for weeks) but I know that I could only eat one or two bites. So what’s the point?

Most of you will not be able to identify with this post. I get that. And I really don’t need you to. What I want is just to express again that this isn’t a battle with my body… it’s a battle with my mind, emotions, and all things psychological to win.

Despite all of this I do feel good. My body is happier, there is SOOOOO much less pain. I have a LOT more energy and my mood has improved greatly… just ask the kids. I haven’t touched a painkiller in over a month and that is a huge improvement. I have big goals, and I have actual hope to achieve them. This also brings enormous joy to my heart.

Please keep praying for me and thank you for the prayers you have already offered up on my behalf, trust me, I have felt them and been so very thankful for you all!