I don’t really know where to begin.
I’ve said from the beginning that I would be honest about my thought processing on this blog, and that it would not always be pleasant and happy. And I have hinted about the difficulty of the last year. Lots of things made this year difficult… but one thing was probably the biggest reason. My heart.
I’ve had multiple conversations over the last couple of weeks, all of them focused on one thing: what would this last year had been like if I had just stayed close to the Master? I’m guessing a LOT different. I’ve been filled with guilt over Anders. I have been filled with anxiety and anger and more anger and more, all focused on myself and wondering if I could have done more, if I could have changed things, if I could have been the mother he needed. And now that I’m pregnant… well, you can imagine the thoughts, nightmares and overall doubt filling my mind on my ability as a mother.
I was so angry at God. So incredibly angry. It’s become a pattern of anger. Something goes wrong… I get angry. Kids do something bad, anger flashes like lightning and I’m instantly regretful and angry at myself. This anger has become a crutch and sin that I need to confess and lay down.
The anger at God was because I couldn’t change things. I couldn’t make life better for my family, and He certainly didn’t seem to be helping (of course that requires me turning to him for help, but anger wouldn’t let me.) I had obeyed everything that He told me to do up until that point, foster care, adoption, marriage, that I couldn’t understand why I was in this place of punishment… or at least what felt like punishment. Everything up to this point felt like failure and obeying and consulting with God was setting myself up for more pain. So instead I’d just get angry and not seek Him at all.
Upon serious, devastatingly honest conversations with God and a few trusted people, I do not believe that the outcome would be different. I believe with all my heart Anders is where he needs to be, where God wants him to be, but I still struggle with guilt over how he got there and my heart attitude in the process. I’m not sure that I can ever be happy or even properly resigned to the results. But I have to surrender those thoughts, those things that the enemy uses to destroy my hope, and trust in Jesus.
I have mentioned this church that we are attending and I have to tell you, it’s like God is using this little place to waken a very dry and hungry part of my heart. I feel like I have come alive again. I see truth as help, not as an enemy. I see God’s word as making me new, not as a destruction tool. If you are reading this and have known me for years… I had allowed myself to get to the darkest and hardest place I had ever gotten in my life. I think I was actually unrecognizable in my heart.
Last nights sermon (yes, I went to church on a Sunday NIGHT) was on Col. 3. “Putting off all anger, wrath, … etc” that verse was like a knife and a 2 x 4 across my head. These things aren’t character flaws, they are sin. To continue in them is sin. To allow them to dictate my heart and minds response to life is sin. They must be stopped.
This post is very personal. Very difficult for this people pleasing woman to admit her deepest flaws and lay them out there. But I feel like it’s a step onto the right path for becoming the woman of God that I am meant to be. To becoming the mother that I am meant to be. To becoming the servant I am meant to be.
If you love me, please pray for me. Laying down anger is hard. Laying down a sin that has become default response is even harder. I have to do this. By God’s grace, mercy and continuous love I will conquer (Romans 8:37) and be made more like Him.